Falling Upwards

"I finally found what I was actually looking for!", he exclaimed before we'd had time to exchange more appropriate greetings.

“I finally found what I was actually looking for!”, he exclaimed before we’d had time to exchange more appropriate greetings.
“Well, not the actual thing”, he continued, “but I know now what it is! I know what it is that I want!”

His eyes were beaming with joy and excitement. That most fragile kind. The kind that always was brought down as soon as it encountered the unmoving granite of reason. Of course we all knew, at least the ones who long ago decided to not be swayed by childish excitement, that such joy was always clouded by infantile delusion, and would surely wither as soon as it came into contact with the real world.

Unfortunately some people seemed immune to learning this developmental lesson, and came back over and over with excitement and hope: that surely this time they had finally actually found it! Such was my friend.

For some reason though, today his gleaming eyes did not seem fragile at all, but were beaming strong and steady. And surprised, in his gaze, I found that my own conviction towards such bright foolishness suddenly felt a little... shaky. Well.. maybe more than shaky.. To my terror it was withering.

Instead of looking down at this childish - perhaps endearing, but childish none the less - naive joy, I was collapsing under his radiant gaze. Nay not collapsing: Melting. Shrinking. Glancing sideways, looking for a dark corner whereto I could slither away and hide.

But it was too late. I was already fully seen. And my obvious fearful attempts to hide, further reduced me. Sizzling. Oozing. Reducing. In the steady warmth that shone onto me.

Exposed. To my naked essence. I found myself not more than a greedy and fearful slithering thought, for some reason unable to survive in his gaze. This was really bad, but worse yet: There seemed to be nowhere where his eyes shone not.

Screeching I flung myself a few paces hither and another few thither. While my strength as surely as anything, were soon to wither.

With desperation I noticed how the beaming face smiled even wider as my hardened eloquence was crumbling into childish rhyme. And although the heat was clearly deadly violent, I could not find a trace of oppression in his poise. In fact - as my last spasms were coming to a still and only a dark dissolving shell of me remained - his warmth was.. warm.

Simply warm.

A stable and loving compassion... Why? Why had it been so agonizing?

The Joy. Because he was joyful.

And why was he so joyful when I was in so much pain? It not only seemed unjust...

It revealed the heavy granite stone that I carried in place of his stable faith and lightning love.

But now the stone had dissolved. Heavy only as a heavy thought can be. For I was no more. Lighter than the loftiest leaf of a mighty tree.

Falling upwards, hovering in the all consuming softest sun. I feel a heart pulsating closely, with a pleasant rising, ever-rising, joy and love. Surprised I become aware that the heart is mine.

Quietly I met his eyes. And suddenly - by only a miracle - our joy was more than twice.

Nay! Don’t end with such a shoe horned rhyme, my serious eloquent mind may whine. But since it died in the sun, and the age of love had just begun, an ill-fitting rhyme or a lame pun, anything would suffice.

Our joy was by now at least thrice.

With love,
Alexander

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Further reading: Today’s story reminds me of two texts that I published two and a half years ago: The wonderful and sad poem of the schooled mouse; and the lonely play of the wonky wizard.