I failed to enjoy her
A piece about enjoying each other. And to taste and inhale the beauty of life.
WrestleWithTheSun is a publication for those who wish to be inspired towards more connection, compassion, joy and mystery. Here I - Alexander - weave creatively with words, melodies, with my calm voice - and with my experiences as a modern pilgrim and seeker - with the intention to create essential drops that may be nourishment for our lives. In a way all of this is an encouragement: Wrestle with the sun. Explore, take on, and become wise with your life. Learn to enjoy it.
I failed to enjoy her
A few months ago I did a journaling exercise where I took some time to go through the successes and failures of my life. I can feel pressure to complete things and do them well, and have tendencies towards perfection. So wouldn't it make sense if there was a fear of failure and a feeling of not being good enough somewhere underneath these patterns?
So hence the journaling exercise: Excavate your subconscious for hidden gems - find the glimmering trails of dysfunctional beliefs hidden in the darkness, and follow them to the light.
If you aren't already, become an excavator. It is rewarding work.
The initial intention was to look at my perception of what is "good enough". I wanted to see if perhaps actually I have been doing well and good enough, at least in more ways than I thought. Perhaps my view on my own worth is a bit lopsided. Maybe I can allow myself to lean back a bit.. and give myself a fucking break.
So I began. And boy did I find a lot of beautiful and valuable insight. I saw the abundance and gifts that have been and are flowing both in and out of me. The eyes of appreciation and the gifts of others that have been offered in my direction. And also countless ways that I have been showing up and doing good and my best with what I have, in my work and towards those I care about.
Then I did the same for all the ways I failed. And boy did I find heart wrenching perspectives of how I had failed. Failures painful both for me and those whom I failed to be there for. And then I thought about my ex-partners...
And there suddenly an unexpected gem made itself known. Coaxed into the light by deliberate excavation, the following sentence formulated itself before me:
I failed to deeply enjoy her.
I failed to deeply enjoy her.
I failed to deeply honor her.
I failed to deeply see her.
I failed to deeply feel her.
I failed to deeply appreciate her.
And it hit me - like how a heavy stone plummets into dark water.
In my attempts to do it right... In my preoccupation with this project or that idea... In my attempt to finally arrive, and be accepted, appreciated and.. revered... I had failed with perhaps the most important task of them all: I had failed to enjoy her.
I had failed to give truthfully the gift I myself was yearning for: The gift of being enjoyed and appreciated.
And although this is about my ex-partners, I saw also how it is not at all only about them. It extends far beyond the space of my romantic relationships. This was about my relationship to everything in my life: My family and friends; The items in my life that I care about; Nature. Oh!, this is very much about our relationship to nature.
It is about knowing how to stop and hear the birds' song. It is about the whisper that moves between the trees. But it is about more than listening and presence: It is about appreciation. It is about receiving. It is sensual.
This is in fact about life herself and about savoring her fragrance. And I... had failed to enjoy her.
You see in my preoccupation and my straining, outward-moving activity, what was lost was the ability to lean back and simply enjoy - lovingly and openly - that which was already here in front of me.
We say that we give appreciation. But in fact appreciation is energetically closer to taking. The gift of me offering a few words of appreciation to you pales in comparison to the actual gift, the one that you are giving, the one that I am appreciating. Who is giving whom the gift?
To appreciate you, I must become present and enjoy something about you. I must savor your beauty and gifts and worth. I must receive you. I must take something of you in. Giving appreciation is not really giving at all. Yet - paradoxically - it is one of the most important gifts we can give.
But we need to tread carefully here. There is a fine balance to begin to master.
Enjoying another - deeply and truthfully - is a tangible, emotional and sensual experience. It may open doors into profound connection and beautiful, healing experiences. It is nourishing and can be very intimate.
But to open these doors, one must begin to lean into edges that might be tinged with taboo - that lie just at the border of shadowy unmapped territory. Because if you intentionally allow yourself to taste the beauty of another, and allow yourself to enjoy it and be nourished by it.. When does it become greed? When is the experience cherished and healing for both? And when does it turn into sleazy gobbling?
And at what point does enjoying another become sensual, even with notes of the erotic, and how much eros can you enjoy and contain with integrity? How and when and with whom?
Carefully. Gently. Explore these edges. Slowly begin to map this invisible territory. With a feathery brush - excavate.
Explore it with the song of a bird, the smell of a flower and the touch of the wind. Feel the bark of an old tree. What happens if you allow yourself to enjoy it? Inhale it slowly. Take your time... listen to the tone of his voice, see the light reflected on her skin, imagine the warmth of her presence.
Feel every nuance. Explore it by yourself and together. Where are the edges? How may you come to deeply enjoy your life?
If you do this patiently and with light curiosity, you will find hidden experiential rooms with shimmering pools. The walls here are silently aglow with dancing reflected light. Here - finally - you'll find that certain nourishment that you have been yearning for all this time.
The shimmering rooms... Hidden, yet right here, waiting to color your life with their gentle warmth.
Waiting to be... enjoyed.
With love and until next time,
Alexander
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This is Tantra in its full bloom 🌷
Very heartfelt! Deep with awareness of lost opportunity. And yet, now alive with new sensitivities, and eyes piercingly open, the same will not happen again. Consciousness is on high alert, as you glide into new relationships. Huge growth that is like medicinal cream on an old scar….. Thank you for sharing!